On being a first-time mom and grad student...it IS possible!

I have no idea how many posts I've written complaining about how difficult my life is.  I think every other post is just me whining "blah blah blah my life is so hard blah blah" about pregnancy and motherhood.  It's a wonder anybody reads this blog ever.  Well, I've decided that from now on, I'll try to limit the whining to a minimum but still be absolutely up front and honest about my crazy and mundane experiences (disclaimer: today was the first day that I've actually felt really happy.  Giddy, even.  I'm hoping that my hormone imbalance has balanced out and that I'm back to my chipper old self pre-getting-knocked-up.  Either that or I'm experiencing some severe mood swings.)

When I first found out I was pregnant, my first thought was "Crap.  How am I going to finish my PhD?"  Ok...I lie.  My first thought when I found out I was pregnant was "Crap.  My mom's going to kill me" and then I thought about finishing my PhD.  At the time, I was just wrapping up my master's project and had graduated with an MSPH (masters of science in public health).  I was riding the higher education wagon and loving every minute of it.  I decided to pursue a PhD because I wanted a career in research (hopefully in reproductive and perinatal epidemiology).  I guess sex and pregnancy were fascinating to me looooong before I ever conceived.  Fancy that.  I pretty much love learning.  Counting pre-school and my brief stint in law school, I have been in school for 22 of the last 29 years.  I love it.  If I could, I would be a perpetual student and just learn, learn, learn and never work.  But alas, applying to graduate programs every few years is such a bore, so I guess I'll have to finish at a PhD.  :)

Anyhow, pre-Nachmond (Nacho/Desmond), I was taking course loads of 13-16 credit hours.  I wanted that PhD and I wanted it before I turned 32, dammit!  That meant taking a certain amount of credit hours each semester and hoping that my dissertation wouldn't take longer than 2 years to complete.  I had it all planned out: I would take 6 credit hours this fall semester and 9 in the spring, when Desmond was old enough to be left in the care of other people for longer than 2 hours.  I remember telling this to a good friend of mine in the Division and she told me to forget it...I shouldn't sign up for ANY hours in the fall because it would just be too much with a new baby.  "I'll think about it," I'd say.  But secretly, I was stubborn and knew that I had no choice but to keep with my plan in order to stick to my original timeline.  So, I signed up for 6 credit hours. 

Here's how it's been working so far.  Every Monday and Friday, I have to make the trek up to the University, a 20-minute drive from my house.  On Mondays, I have to make it up to school by 11am for a meeting with my mentor for my research practicum and then I have a work meeting at 1 (I'm still working 10 hours a week as a research assistant.  What?  I've sweat and toiled and worked really hard on this project...PLUS, I'm getting data for my dissertation from it).  On Fridays, I'm up at the school by 11am for my PhD seminar class that lasts one hour.  I've also signed up for a 2 credit-hour independent study class that I could do on my own time.  How do I do all of this with a one-month old?

Not so easy.  I'm incredibly lucky that the Division of Public Health at the U is so supportive of me and the fact that I've just had a baby.  I cannot leave Desmond alone until I start supplemental bottle feeding (with pumped breast milk, of course).  I won't start pumping and bottle feeding until after Des is 6 weeks old.  Until then, I bring him with me to meetings and to class.  I have to time my mornings at home to make sure that I have enough time to feed him and get myself together before we leave.  That way, he's more likely to spend the whole time at school sleeping.  I carry him in a sling in class, so that at any sign of frustration, hunger, discomfort, etc, I can try to soothe him or walk out of class and nurse him if necessary (I haven't yet mastered the art of breastfeeding in general, much less in public). 

On Fridays, Billy goes into work at 10 so that he could watch Desmond while I get ready for class.  Once Desmond starts taking a bottle, I'll be able to drop Desmond off at Billy's work or Billy will be able to come home while I go to meetings and class.  On the other days, I'll stay at home with Desmond and when Billy gets home from work, he takes over the majority of baby duties so that I could relax a bit and get some work done.  We are extremely lucky that we can compromise so easily with childcare duties.  The fact that I don't have a "real" (read: 9-to-5) job and the fact that Billy has no boss telling him what to do makes it really easy for us to care for Desmond on our own.

Our lives are definitely busier than they were before; the fact that we had a baby hasn't slowed us down one bit.  And although things were overwhelmingly difficult the last few weeks, things are getting better.  We are getting used to the fact that we don't "sleep" anymore, we nap; that we sometimes sleep in baby pee and spit-up; that almost every moment that Desmond is awake, he's crying; that we spray poopy water out of the toilet when we try to wash out Des's dirty diapers; and that I spend most of my day constantly aware of the dull pain in my breasts from breastfeeding.  But we keep on doing the things that make us happy: watching House and The Daily Show, going out for iced chais and iced mochas, taking a walk with Desmond and the dogs, and visiting with family and friends.  That helps me keep my sanity...well that and the mimosas I had for brunch this morning. 

Overall, I'm starting to enjoy motherhood.  I am finding that the most mundane and banal things that Desmond does ("he had a yellow poopy diaper/touched his toy on his own/held his own head up for 5 seconds/smiled/looked at me/burped/tooted") are the highlights of my day, yet I still try to have time for things that interest me (school) and for my baby daddy, since without him, I wouldn't be able to pursue my crazy dreams and passions (truly appreciated, Bill!)