I'm not a natural mother

There are so many women out there who embrace pregnancy wholeheartedly: their burgeoning shape, the morning sickness, the extra hair, the lack of comfortable sleep, etc.

I was not that woman.

I spent the last 7 or so years not wanting any children for myself. I enjoyed my life and the liberty I had to do whatever I wanted on a moment's notice; having a child would stop that lifestyle dead in its tracks. I viewed children as needy little parasites filled with snot and drool and poop. Once I met Billy, however, the need to create a life with him was overwhelming and the more we talked about it, the more I fell in love with the idea. However, I didn't think much about what life would be like with a child. I knew that having a child would cause some disruption in my life, but I never fully realized how it would affect my education, my relationship with Billy, and my relationship with friends and family members. I had thought that once I became pregnant, once I saw my belly grow, once I held Desmond, I'd be transformed into one of those glowing women who embody motherhood and who naturally harbor that maternal instinct. I thought it'd be so easy...it seemed so easy.

The first month and a half of life with Desmond was really, really hard. I was not as prepared as I thought I was to give myself completely to this little being. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I worked really hard to educate myself on every aspect of my pregnancy and the birth. I researched different parenting styles and chose one that would augment the bonding experience with my baby by wearing him, having skin-to-skin contact, breastfeeding on demand, co-sleeping, etc. I would never let myself even think that I may not have that automatic maternal instinct and bonding with my newborn that other women have when they first meet their child.

During my pregnancy, I always felt a sort of disconnect with Desmond, or little Nacho as we used to refer to him. I would go to prenatal yoga classes, where we would tune into our little fetuses and send love and energy to them. I would rub my belly, whispering I love you, I love you, I love you over and over. I would imagine what Nacho looked like floating within me, happy as can be. But deep down inside of me, I sometimes resented being pregnant. I can't communicate well enough how much I love sleep and from about 6 months until I gave birth, I didn't have one decent night of sleep. And I hated that. You have no idea how guilty I feel now after having Desmond and having fallen in love with him. I felt guilty at the time as well because I was working with women who suffered from infertility and who spent thousands of dollars to have the chance to go through a pregnancy like I was.

For several weeks after the birth, I struggled with this newfound sense of responsibility, the lack of sleep, the soreness from the birth, the stupid pads they give you for the postpartum bleeding, and breastfeeding. There were times, in between naps and feeding sessions, when my mom would hand him to me and I felt as if he wasn't mine, as if he was my mother's son and I was just helping her babysit. I could see the love and warmth flow out of my mother to Desmond in the way she held him and talked to him and wanted to be with him. I didn't have that and it crushed me. The fact that I felt, at times, resentful of him broke my heart. I felt like a failure as a mother and as a woman.

After my mother left, I knew I needed to step it up and face reality: that I wasn't this baby's babysitter. I was his mother: the only thing that he knew and wanted and needed. I took control of breastfeeding by meeting with a lactation consultant, I read and reached out to the community of mothers that surrounded me here in SLC and online, and I was finally able to admit my feelings to Billy. It was then that I started the process of forgiveness (for myself) and acceptance (of Desmond). I started to slowly love Desmond more and more. It didn't all come at once, not at all. Just like you don't fall in love with a partner all at once, it takes time to get to know each other - to have a few "dates" -  in order to fall in love. That's how my relationship with Desmond has evolved and I think it has cemented my commitment to him and my adoration for him.

It's been 3.5 months since I gave birth and I could truly say that Desmond and I are in this relationship in full force. I am a mother now...maybe not as good as others out there or as cheerful about my status as one, but I love him completely and unconditionally. I can still imagine what my life would be like without him, but I don't want to. I'm writing this post partly because I promised myself that I would be completely honest when writing this blog and partly because there may be other new moms or mothers-to-be who may be feeling these same exact feelings and thinking that they're the only ones feeling this way or feeling embarrassed or guilty about their feelings.

I remember reading something in the WAB or Mothering magazine that made me realize that I'm not the only mother out there who didn't wake up refreshed, who enjoyed every breastfeeding session, who lovingly made and ironed each baby clothing item, and who automatically wanted more children after having their first; in other words, women born to be mothers. The quote went something like this:

I looked down at my son as I was changing him. I said out loud to him, "I would do anything in this world for you...I would give my life for you...but I do not love you."

I had finally found a woman's account that mirrored my own and I felt, for the first time, that I wasn't alone. The woman was asked 3 years later if she still felt the same way and she responded that she didn't even want to imagine what her life would be like without her son.  I felt comforted reading about women who suffered from some form of the "blues" or insecurities after giving birth, even women who had spend the thousands of dollars on fertility treatments sometimes felt that way.  I realized that just because I was a woman didn't mean that childrearing would come naturally to me.  I have to work hard every single day at being the best mother I can be to my son. 

I love Desmond more than anything.  I wouldn't trade him for the world.  I don't even want my old life back now.  I do wish raising a child was easier, but then I guess it makes it that much more worth it when, 30 or so years from now, he, as a father to his own children, could tell me how much he appreciates me as a mother.  As for right now, I'll take all the smiles and chuckles and nestles and spitups I can get to push me to be the best mom for Desmond that I can be.