Disciplining your child

I am not an expert at anything (except giving myself a double french braid on the sides of my head), but I do know what feels right to me when it comes to disciplining Desmond.  He's almost 14 months old and he is in (what I hope is) a phase where he thinks it's the funniest thing ever to defy me every time I tell him "NO!"  For example, he is not allowed to go around the couch and get into the outlets and play with the curtains at Grandma and Grandpa's house.  But the minute Grandma Donna or I come over and say "NO!" in our most stern voice possible, he just looks at us and giggles hard.  Tonight, we must have physically removed him from potentially dangerous situations about 50 times.  I'm not even remotely kidding.  We physically picked him up, usually while he's still giggling, and set him down in another, safer area of the living room more times than I can remember.  The only person who can enforce the rules is Grandpa Bruce: one look from Bruce and Desmond starts to slowly inch away from behind the carpet/outlet/curtain.  It's frustrating to have to keep constantly reminding him and scolding him and it seems like it's an uphill battle somedays, but I can't ever imagine lifting my hand and striking his tiny little body for doing something that he finds pure and simple joy in doing. 

I realize that as a 14-month-old, Desmond is really curious and wants to get into and play with everything around him.  What would hitting him do to that curiosity?  What would spanking him do to that love of playing?  Really, the world you surround your child in is one that YOU create and are responsible for, so when you feel the frustration and anger bubbling up to the surface when you see the books from your bookshelf spilled on the floor, you're the one at fault for putting books at a level where he can walk up and take them.  I firmly believe that hitting children will not accomplish much besides instilling in them a fear of their parents and I, for one, don't want to live Desmond's life out knowing that he's terrified of me or doesn't trust me.

So, when I read about all the media attention that was focused on spanking (and its support by Christian fundamentalists), I started gritting my teeth and shaking my head.  Here was yet another example of how awful actions or sentiments were condoned because the Bible (or insert other holy book/legal loophole/etc) said it was OK to do. 

Proverbs 22:15: "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him."

Proverbs 23:13-14: "Withold not discipline from the child, for if you strike and punish him with the (reed-like) rod, he will not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

First of all, discipline of children should begin at an early age, whenever a child begins to defy the parent. Remember the old saying, "He who spares the rod, spoils the child." Notice that the Bible says that all children have foolishness in their hearts.  The Bible definition of a fool means one who is a rebel, so this is saying that all children have rebellion in them and when it surfaces, it is our duty as parents to drive it out of them.  We are to do this by punishing them with a whack on the buttocks with a small reed-like rod. This rod could be a switch from a fruit tree branch or a willow tree branch or a small wooden spoon. It is not to be a large heavy rod or anything that would cause permanent physical damage.   The purpose of a spanking is not to cause any lasting bodily harm, but to cause spiritual correction. A spanking should be swift and cause short lived pain that makes a point.  That point is that the small pain they feel now will prevent them from feeling great pain by the act they are committing, which could cause them loss of their lives in some cases. (For instance, if a child tries to run across the street, they could be run over and killed.)

Some people say that all spanking is child abuse, but this is totally wrong. The real abuse to the child is not to spank them when they need correction.  Of course, some parents, who themselves are out of control, can abuse their children by beating them in angry rages. This is child abuse, however, it does not justify doing away with spanking children if it is done properly, and for the right reasons. Parents who beat their children, need help themselves. They are sinful people and they not only will abuse their children by beating them, but will hurt them in other ways as well. Many times, these same children are left to go hungry and uncared for. They have no love. These kind of homes need the love of Christ so that the whole family can be healed. We are not to spank our children with uncontrolled anger, and thus hand out unjust punishment.

 From http://www.bible.com/bibleanswers_result.php?id=153.  There are those that believe that the bible should be interpreted literally, so for those, they may interpret the passages above as the writer did.  But c'mon, really?  These are the same people that probably believe that evolution is some wacky theory ("I never came from no apes"), that brave soldiers died in the field because they were homosexual, and that women are "unclean" when they're menstruating.  I find it hard to find common ground with people who harbor these types of outdated, lieteralist beliefs.

Who are these people that actually believe that corporal punishment of a child, much less a baby, is OK?  Certainly not women?  Certainly not mothers?

But, much to my chagrin, I was wrong.  As I was happily reading through the articles in my Google Reader, I came across one from Peaceful Parenting (if you couldn't already tell by its name, this website does not condone any physical abuse of a child under any circumstances) about how Amazon carries books that promote child abuse (i.e. books that promote spanking or corporal punishment, among others).  This paragraph in particular stuck out to me:

Amazon currently stocks several parenting manuals that promote the physical and emotional abuse of children and babies.  The main player in the pack, To Train Up a Child, was recently drawn to my attention by two Facebook groups, The Mom: Informed and The Dangers of Baby Training.  The Mom: Informed published the following advice given by Debi Pearl. Debi is one of two authors of To Train Up a Child, along with her husband, Michael. When they were asked on their website, No Greater Joy, what they meant exactly about using a "rod on babies under 12 months of age." This is her reply. (Please be warned that the content is disturbing):

We never used the rod to punish a child younger than 12 months. You should read No Greater Joy Volume One and Volume Two. We discussed this subject several times in those two books. For young children, especially during the first year, the rod is used very lightly as a training tool. You use something small and light to get the child’s attention and to reinforce your command. One or two light licks on the bare legs or arms will cause a child to stop in his tracks and regard your commands. A 12-inch piece of weed eater chord works well as a beginner rod. It will fit in your purse or pocket.  

Later, a plumber's supply line is a good spanking tool. You can get it at Wal-Mart or any hardware store. Ask for a plastic, ¼ inch, supply line. They come in different lengths and several colors; so you can have a designer rod to your own taste. They sell for less than $1.00. A baby needs to be trained all day, everyday. It should be a cheerful, directing training, not a correction training. If a 10-month-old plays in the dirt in the flowerpot, a simple swat to the hand accompanied with the command “No,” said in a cheerful but authoritative voice, should be sufficient.  

When your 6-month-old baby grabs sister’s hair, while he still has a hand full of hair, swat his hand or arm and say “No, that hurts sister.” If he has already let go of her hair, then put his hand back on her hair, so as to engage his mind in the former action, and then carry on with the hand swatting and the command. If you found your baby trying to stick something in the electrical receptacle, keep his hand on the object and near the receptacle while giving him a few swats on the back of the offending hand, and this to the sound of your rebuke—“No, don't touch, No, don't touch.” This time he needs to cry and be upset.  

If your 10-month-old is pitching a fit because he wants to be picked up, then you must reinforce your command with a few stinging swats. You are not punishing him; you are causing him to associate his negative behavior with negative consequences. Never reward bad behavior with indifference. Tell the baby “No” and give him a swat. If your response is new, he may be offended and scream louder. But continue your normal activities as if you are unaffected. Wait one minute, and then tell the baby to stop crying. If he doesn’t, again swat him on his bare legs. You don’t need to undress him, turn him over, or make a big deal out of it. Just swat him where any skin is exposed. Continue to act as if you don’t notice the fit. Wait two minutes and repeat. Continue until the baby realizes that this is getting worse not better. Most babies will keep it going for 3 or 4 times and then slide to a sitting position and sob it out. When this happens, it signals a surrender, so give him two minutes to get control and then swoop him up as if the fit never happen and give him a big hug, BUT don't hold him in the manner he was demanding. Now remove yourself from the area so as to remove him from association with the past event. 

 Don’t ever hit a small child with your hand. You are too big and the baby is too small. The surface of the skin is where the most nerves are located and where it is easiest to cause pain without any damage to the child. The weight of your hand does little to sting the skin, but can cause bruising or serious damage internally. Babies need training but they do not need to be punished. Never react in anger or frustration. If you lose it, get your self under control before you attempt to discipline a child.

Further reading led me to discover that in the Pearl's book, To Train Up a Child:


• Thumping, smacking and hair pulling are promoted as a way of training a child to obey instructions.
• Children are compared to dogs.
• The use of a rod is promoted, which the authors describe as a "divine enforcer." 
• A meter long branch or a belt is recommended for use on an older child and a smaller object on a younger child.
• "Any spanking to reinforce instruction, must cause pain."
• "If you have to sit on him to spank him, do not hesitate... hold the resisting child in a helpless position for several minutes, or until he is totally surrendered."
• Michael Pearl says his wife trained their daughter to stop biting during breastfeeding by pulling on her baby's hair. "Understand, the baby is not being punished. Just conditioned."

I can't imagine any parent feeling comfortable with this method.  Why is it that we are able to cry "animal abuse" and have tears well up in our eyes when we see poor dogs and cats kicked and pushed by their human owners, but look away when we see a mother or father hitting or spanking a young child in the name of discipline?  Furthermore, all that a baby, especially one under 12 months of age, wants is the love and affection of his or her parents.  Babies are incapable of manipulation, incapable of having "foolishness in their hearts," and incapable of rebellion. 

I hope that one day we will understand that physical punishment, on any living, sentient being, is not only uncalled for but unlawful and reprehensible. 

But, like I said, I'm not expert...just a mom who knows that hitting her amazing, happy baby boy with a reed rod in order to "condition" him to be a better baby is complete and utter BS.  All you need is love, people...doo, doo, doo, doo, doo....