Lessons Learned: Never change a poopy diaper on the floor

So, I was walking around the house, trying to clean up here and there (which, by the way, is so much harder when you have an infant.  If it's not his inability to be able to physically sit and entertain himself, it's your inability to reach for and do certain things while wearing him.  Hardly anything gets done.  That is precisely why Billy and I agreed to hire one of our friends to help us clean our house twice a month.) when all of a sudden, I smell the buttery, yeasty scent of a poopy diaper.  The last few "poopy" diapers Desmond's had have all been pretty weak, so I thought all I would find was a skidmark or two.  I knew that maybe it was something more when he started getting fussy as I was wearing him.

So, I took my time getting him a new diaper, setting out the changing pad, and grabbing the wipes.  We'd been out in the morning, but now that we were back at home, I took his pants off and left him in his onesie.  I put him in a sleep sack:

Pampersac sleep sack

and we went about our day.  When i unzipped his sleep sack, I saw the golden yellow stains on the inside.  "Great.  I'm in for a big one."  

My heart sank.  There was an overwhelming amount of poop on and around Desmond.  I tentatively got out the first wipie.  I started wiping Desmond's butt and just proceeded to smear baby crap all over his butt cheeks and inner thighs.  My heart started racing and it took all I had not to call out for my mother for help.  I picked him up, holding him at arms length away from me.  I ran to the kitchen to the closest source of water: the kitchen sink.  I realized that I couldn't put Desmond down anywhere since there was gooey poop smeared all over his bum.  You have no idea the type of profanities I was whispering out loud.  I said, "eff it," and pulled him in so that I could hold him against me with one arm.  I ran to the bathroom, got his foaming body wash and a washcloth (to put over the drain in the faucet) and ran back to the kitchen.

I started running the faucet and let Desmond stand in the sink (as I pulled him away from me, I noticed that my shirt was still sticking to him.  Gross.)  I quickly, with one hand, managed to rip away the plastic covering of the body wash (with my teeth!) and squirt it onto the washcloth.  I wiped his little bum as quickly as I could and then he sat down.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  He was finally clean.  Sort of.  

I splashed him a bit and washed his upper body.  I stood him up and noticed some boogery-looking things on his bum.  My heart started palpitating faster and faster...Did this come out of my son?  Upon closer inspection, I realized that it was ONIONS that were stuck in the drain from dinner two nights ago.  GROSS!  I peeled them off Desmond, gave him a quick once over and turned off the water.  

And guess what?  I forgot the freaking towel.  so, I lifted my shirt up and over my head so Des wouldn't get anymore poop on him and wrapped him up in a kitchen towel.  I ran to the changing table and breathed a sigh of relief.  We did it!  I changed him, put on a cute little outfit (we're going out tonight to see the lights and Christmas-y stuff), and walked into the living room.  And then I almost lost it.

 

I see Pirate, my one-eyed pug, licking his chops sitting right next to the changing mat with the poopy diaper on the floor.  I looked over at the poopy diaper and saw that a lot of the poop had been licked off.  I about vomited and shooed Pirate over to the water bowl so he could (in my mind) wash out his mouth.  I couldn't handle the poopiness anymore, so I picked up the whole changing mat, poopy diaper and all, and placed it on our bed where Pirate wouldn't get it.  And I just left it there.  I can't even force myself to wash it off.  

He knows he did something wrong.

So, moral of this long painful story, if you have pets, don't change your child's poopy diapers on the floor.  Because you might forget the diaper there and dogs are incredibly attracted to infant crap, it's like licking the butter off of the popcorn bucket.