Changes in Pregnancy (both real and imagined)

Disclaimer: This post is going to be about things you always wondered about but were too shy to ask a pregnant woman.  This MAY be a little too explicit for you...although some of us are into that sort of thing :)

Of course pregnancy is one of the few times in your life when your body just goes absolutely nuts and changes to a distorted, lumpy version of your former self.  Most people wonder what's going on underneath the maternity pants and those billowy shirts.  Well, for those of you who wonder, I will bravely hold your hand and walk you through each and every gross, weird, and uncomfortable change I've been going through so far.  Don't say I didn't warn you :)

1.  Nipples:
Yes, they get bigger.  Yes, they get darker.  I've always been "blessed" by larger boobs (thanks, mom).  It wasn't until I was around 25 when I thought, man, lugging these around sucks.  I had groove marks in my shoulders from my bra straps and at the end of the day, when I looked at myself in front of the mirror, no 18-year-old perky boobies looked back at me.  So I decided to get a breast reduction.  And it was fantastic!  I went from a 34 D to a large 34 B.  I loved it!  And then I got pregnant.  And now I'm a very large 34 D.  Who knew that your nipples could stretch out like that?  I have never in my life had melanin that made that dark of a color anywhere on my body.  I mean, my nipples are darker than some of my moles!  I'm getting used to them...I know they'll serve a higher purpose, but as soon as I think I'm done having kids, it's back to Colombia I go to get them back to the size they're supposed to be.

 

What my boobs feel like now...

2.  Gas

Ladies, we all know we don't fart as much as guys do.  We just don't.  Our toots are imperceptible and smell like cinnamon buns and rainbows.  However, that changes when you're gestating.  I have never in my life had gas like I had during the first and beginning of my second trimester.  You may even look like your "showing" at 11 weeks, but you're not.  It's GAS.  It makes your stomach hard to the touch and makes your insides hurt when you try to hold it in.  And it's stinky.  I'm not going to sugarcoat it.  I couldn't even blame my toots on our PUG (who's got some pretty rank farts) because mine smelled worse than his.  For one whole night, Billy had to sit on the other couch on the other side of the room while I got it all out of my system.  So, boyfriends, husbands, partners: plan to be assaulted.  It's natural and don't think any less of the beautiful woman who is growing a life inside of her.

3. Poops
I know many of you won't believe me, but those of you who know me well know that the frequency of my bowel movements is low.  I mean, normal for me was about 3 times a week.  And I liked it that way.  I felt efficient and powerful.  My body processed and eliminated waste so efficiently, it only took a few trips to the bathroom a week!  I've read in all of the pregnancy books that lots of pregnant women suffer from constipation due to the intestine slowing down in order for it to absorb more nutrients for the baby.  Well, I have not had that problem.  I'm pooping every single day.  So, if you're constipated, lucky you. 

4.  Hirsutism
One of the main benefits of being pregnant is that you're locks look absolutely luxurious and thick, especially during the second and third trimesters.  That's good news if you had thin, lackluster hair before then; not good news for us girls who have been Nairing since we were 13.  I'm not hairy as some girls out there, but I've had my fair share of a few stray facial hairs that needed to be taken care of here and there.  Now that my hormones are going haywire, I'm growing way more hair on my face, legs, underarms, head, and yes, belly.  I used to only have to shave my legs once or twice a month.  Now I'm on an every-other-day underarm regimen, weekly leg shaving, and bimonthly nairing (for face).  I haven't taken the Nair to my belly...yet.  I'm not sure if these hairs have always been on my stomach and now that it's stretched out they poke out a bit more or if it's really that I'm turning into a circus freak and growing absurd amounts of hair on my body.  I'll keep you updated.

This is NOT my belly.  I tried to take a picture of my own to post, but the hairs don't stand out as much with the flash, but you get the picture.

5. Belly button

I have the weirdest innie belly button ever.  It's pretty deep (Billy guesses about 1 inch deep) and at the very end, there's a little tiny nipple-like thing that kind of wiggles back and forth (gross, I know).  I've always been kind of embarrassed about it and will rarely ever let Billy get close enough to touch it.  There's an old wives tale that says that you know a woman's about to "pop" when her belly button pops out during pregnancy.  The idea of a popped out belly button always mortified me since I couldn't imagine that my belly would ever stretch out far enough for my ultra-innie to pop out.  But, as I put my shirt on this morning, I saw the indentation of my ever-widening belly button through my shirt.  I almost passed out.  Although my belly button still looks like a kind of normal innie, when I put my clothes on, the belly button indentation kind of looks like this:

6. The "linea nigra"

Many pregnant women develop a dark, vertical line that runs from the top of their belly to the bottom.  This is called the "linea nigra."  I've currently gotten a half of one.  It's quite fascinating because this whole time I just thought it was another crazy pregnant hair pattern.  I guess it has something to do with the excess amount of estrogen you're producing that increases the production of melanin (hence, the darkening of your areolas).  Why it's right smack down the middle of your belly, I'll never know.

 This one is my belly.  Don't laugh.

7. Mucus plug

Yes.  Mucus plug.  A very useful thing, it sits right in the opening of your cervix and prevents bacteria from entering into your uterus.  OK, this next part is not for the squeamish.  The mucus plug is normally cloudy (it can be clear) and thick and sticky.  However, towards the end of the pregnancy when the cervix starts thinning, some blood may be released into the cervix and get caught up in the cervical mucus.  When your cervix begins to dilate (open up), the plug is let go and you may see it come out as a lump, plug, or heavy vaginal discharge.  And it's tinged with blood, hence the name "the bloody show."  (honestly, where do people come up with these names?  It sounds AWFUL!)  I'm kind of curious to see what a cervical mucus plug looks like but I fear I may pass out if I do see it.  I won't be sadistic enough to post a picture...

8. Vaginal discharge

I do believe that the previous discussion on mucus plugs would segue nicely into our discussion of vaginal discharge.  Women don't need to hear this, I'm sure, but for those few males out there reading this, vaginal discharge is PERFECTLY NORMAL and your body's way of making sure your chi-chi is clean and bacteria free (which is why women should never douche!  doesn't do a damn thing except mess with your natural vaginal bacteria and may lead to increased infections).  When you're pregnant, you produce a lot more vaginal discharge than you did when you weren't.  But don't worry.  There is an upside: it really helps with any sexy-time you may want to have :)

9.  Sex

Yes, we still have sex.  No, it doesn't hurt the baby.  Yes, it still feels great.

10. Increased blood flow

One day, I was showing Billy my belly and trying to show him how cool it was that you could feel the muscles right underneath the skin and as I pressed against my tummy, the impression of my fingertips appeared, bright yellow, for a second or two and then disappeared.  Billy and I spent the next five minutes making shapes with our hands and imprinting them on my stomach...yes, this was on a Saturday night.  Also, one time, I was picking my cuticles in class and picked too far and started bleeding.  Pretty normal, I do it all the time.  So, I stick my finger in my mouth (gross, right?  you'd think I'd know better being in public health and all, but bloody finger in my mouth versus getting blood all over my clothes...I chose my mouth).  When I pull it out, it's still gushing uncontrollably.  I had to leave class and run to the bathroom and grab some toilet paper.  And one time, during one of Billy's business events, I had just come in from the cold and my nose was running and I was sucking it back in, until, all of a sudden, it wasn't sucking back in.  I wiped what I thought was snot away from my face until i looked down and noticed that it was blood.  I ran to the kitchen (the closest place) and stuffed coarse paper towels in my nostrils.  I panicked because I couldn't remember what the bloody nose protocol was.  Should I pinch it and lean back or lean forward and let it all come out?  i remember something about leaning back so I did...and instantly regretted it.  I felt the blood run down the back of my throat.  I immediately leaned forward and drenched the paper towels.  I hated it.

11. "Oh, you must LOVE being pregnant and growing a little life inside of you."

Um, no.  I don't LOVE being pregnant.  It's more like bordering on dislike.  I don't feel like myself, I can't sleep well at night, I don't feel any better than I did pre-pregnancy, and I am horrified everyday at the rate my breasts and abdomen is growing.  Furthermore, the little life inside of me hasn't materialized into reality yet: I haven't really felt a "real" movement.  All I know is that I am sharing a very small space with another living being.  It's a total invasion of my personal space.  And it kind of weirds me out that, whether it's a boy or girl, I'm growing a little vagina or penis inside of me. Hopefully, I'll be able to settle into my role as a pregnant lady and adore it all.  It better happen within the next few weeks since I'm almost halfway done :)