9 months postpartum: what I expected vs. reality

Weight

Everybody told me about the old adage: it takes 9 months to put all that weight on, it will take 9 months to take it off.  I thought, "Oh my, 9 months?  I could do it in 3!"  The first month, I lost 3/4 of all of the weight I gained in pregnancy.  I exclusively breastfed.  I slept and ate as much as I wanted.  I didn't exercise.  So, when 3 months came and went and those last 8 or so lbs still hadn't left my body, I shrugged my shoulders, sat on the couch, and ate another bowl of cereal.  At around 4 months, I decided to get my ass in shape and I started (and made it through) 6 weeks of P90X.  I felt great, I felt strong...I did lose some weight but gained a bunch of muscle tone.  I was really happy and proud of myself.  But then, and here's where all the excuses come, being a full-time student, having homework, a part-time job, and taking care of Desmond meant that my time during the day was limited.  So, instead of repping it with Tony (P90X guy), I would sit in front of my computer, with American Idol on in the background, and work on school stuff.

Add to that all of the culinary excursions I went on, all within a 2 week period: Tastemakers SLC,

Desmond eating mussel broth at Squatters during Tastemakers.  I did not offer him the french fries.  Or beer.

my dear friend Jessica's graduation crawfish boil, sitting in a class for 10 hour days for a week where all of the students brought food and treats to munch on throughout the day, and the Living Traditions Festival, where there are lots of booths of ethnic foods,

At the Living Traditions Festival, listening and watching the Irish Dancers.

 means that I gained 5 lbs of my weight back.  Now I'm past 9 months and nowhere near to where I was before I got pregnant.  18 months ago, this is what I thought I would look like today:

My fellow Colombiana, Shakira

Instead, I have the beginnings of what my FFIL calls a "Dunlop," as in, "her stomach done lopped over," or as my FMIL calls it, an apron, or as many of my college friends called it, a FUPA.  Either way, it's still there, along with some deposits along my hips and upper butt area that JUST WON'T GO.

Analogy: My body is Sylvester Stallone and the extra poundage is the cliff.  My body will.  not.  let.  go.

Just as I was starting to feel sorry for myself and looking for someone or something else to blame (i.e. my metabolism), I stumbled across this website that showcases the diversity of bodies of postpartum women.  I was lucky enough not to get any stretchmarks anywhere and only a few spider veins on my upper right thigh.  My wish is to get to the point where I feel beautiful and, most importantly, healthy in my own 5'3" Hispanic body.


Breasts

As I've mentioned before, I had a breast reduction in June of 2008, 17 months before I got pregnant.  Although I loved the results, I should've waited until I was much older because, when I got the reduction, the doctor told me that my breasts wouldn't be the same after children (no breasts are).  I stupidly told him that I planned to never have any children.  Ha.

You can't tell because the enormity of my belly dwarfs the enormity of my breasts.

I'm not sure what size I was during my pregnancy or for the first 6 months postpartum since I lived in nursing bras, which are stretchy and only come in S, M, L, etc.  I wore a large, so I knew I was above the small C cup I was after the surgery.  After 6 months, I could finally fit back into my old, old bras and am currently a very full 36 C (I could fit into a D, but I'm not going there again).  After my mastitis, when my milk supply dipped, the size of my breasts went down...along with whatever perkiness there was leftover from the surgery.  Don't get me wrong: getting pregnant doesn't mean that you're doomed to have nipples that perpetually point to the floor, it just means that the skinny pencil that you could put underneath your breast and it would stay can now be a crayon...those fat ones for kindergarteners.  Get yourself a beautiful new bra from Target or wherever that can nicely support your breasts and wait, wait, wait until you hit menopause or get your tubes tied or something drastic because surprises can - and DO! - happen.

The Blues

Looking back at the first 5 months postpartum, I think I may have had a tad bit more than the blues.  I don't think I was adequately psychologically or physically prepared for the disruption in my life that Desmond caused.  If you would have asked me at 1 month postpartum if I thought that I would still be feeling as emotionally and physically whacked out at 9 months as I was then, I don't think I could've imagined it getting any better.  In my head, having a kid meant new challenges at each stage so that as you progress, it would get harder and harder to raise.  I couldn't think about that too often at 1 month or else I would've passed out from projected-to-the-future exhaustion.  

What I didn't expect back then is how each challenge that has come with each developmental phase has been easier to handle.  It's as if somehow, the trials and tribulations of the month before gave me the knowledge, patience, and wherewithal to move forward in a (mostly) loving, respectful, and patient manner.  At almost 10 months of age, Desmond has actually become such a fun little guy.  Although the interactions I have with him are still pretty repetitive and involves as much mental processing on my behalf as a sloth (in a good way), he's starting to "talk" and actually understands some simple commands (look at me talking about him like he's a dog!)

How much is that doggie in the window!

Desmond being playful. 

He's a really happy baby, always ready to dish out a smile to people who smile at him (unless you're a tall, dark man...he doesn't have too much experience with those).  I actually love him more now than I did back then.  I'm not going to lie and say that I don't know how I could have ever loved him more than I did the day I saw him.  That wouldn't be true.  I had a rocky road to falling in love with Desmond, but I now totally am.  When I haven't seen him all day, I get this intense ache in my chest that dissipates when I pick him up and snuggle him.

Desmond wondering why I've stopped feeding him lobster mac and cheese at Tastemakers SLC.

Point is, if you're just recently postpartum and find that you're having a hard time bonding with your baby, don't worry.  It will come.  It may take days, weeks, or months, but it will happen.  Just make sure to live in the day and do your best and you'll be surprised at how you feel for your baby at 9 months.

Sexy Time

If you're related to me or Billy, please skip this section, unless you're my mother, who desperately wants us to have more and more sex and give her more and more grandkids.

I still struggle with my body image and that, more than anything, has contributed to a drastic decrease in sexy time in this house.  Yes, Desmond sleeps in the same room as we do, and yes, we still get it on.  You do the math.  We wait until he's sleeping and try to git 'er done until Des wakes up, which he will do.  Once that happens, we stop immediately and tend to him.   Mood killer, yes...but at least we're certain that images of his parents "tickling" each other  aren't burned into his subconscious.  However, it's mostly the image I have of my "apron" jiggling.  Also, I very unfortunately clicked on a link to a story about increased plastic surgeries in women, specifically labioplasties and vaginal reconstruction.  I haven't seen my nether nether regions in years and so have no idea what a vaginal delivery has done to me, but I have seen other women's on this website and now wonder if I need reconstructive work done.

NOT.  I would NEVER do that.  But it adds another dimension to the whole weird body image that I have of myself now that I didn't think about before.  Thankfully, Billy thinks I look fantastic and still likes making out with me, so I just have to keep telling myself that if he wasn't attracted to me, I'D KNOW.

The last thing inhibiting our sexy time is our time commitments to our jobs, school, the dogs, and Desmond.  It takes a lot of energy to get through everyday and by the end of the night, we can barely keep our eyes open while brushing our teeth.  Sometimes, it takes everything that I have in me to tap him on the shoulder and ask if we could do it that night, but I am always happy when it does happen and, I've noticed, we're like 5 times nicer to each other the next day.  So worth it.


Money

When we got pregnant, I first freaked out because of the fact that I was pregnant.  Then I freaked out about how much money we're going to have to spend to raise a kid.  However, 9 months later, I bet we've spent less than $2000 on expenses for Des.  Most of the things that we have were either purchased for us as gifts or given to us as hand-me-overs.  I couldn't imagine paying full price on Desmond's clothing now (I buy all of his clothes second-hand at Kid-to-Kid).  We have been so lucky to have friends and family who have given us so much that we've only had to buy the occasional packet of disposable diapers, a bookshelf, changing pad, one car seat, and the few toys here and there.  Just because your baby is new doesn't mean that all of his stuff has to be.  If you're smart about it, you can spend a lot less than you think and you don't need everything that you see at Toys R Us.

We opened up a college savings account for Des and Billy has started paying for a life insurance monthly.  We also pay around $100 for his health insurance.  Even though he doesn't have an illness, thank God, the health insurance comes in handy for all of those visits to the pediatrician and covers all of the vaccinations.  Those are seriously our biggest expenses when it comes to little Desmond.

Hair

A lot of your hair falls out immediately postpartum.  It's alarming.  I had to bald spots on the side of my head where my fuzzies used to be (fuzzies are what ethnic girls have along their hairline.  Mine happen to extend up past my hairline).  So, when I lost my fuzzies when my hair started falling out, it looked like I had an awful receding hairline.  But, they're back.  They're not as wavy as they used to be but they've grown back in now and my hairline has gotten back to normal.  

Baby envy

I just finished a pilot study at the Maternal and Newborn Care Unit at the University of Utah Hospital.  I had to come into women's rooms and ask if they could fill out a questionnaire for us.  Usually, the women had their babies with them and they were all swaddled up and teeny tiny.  It took everything I had to not reach out and touch the swirl that their hair makes on the tops of their heads.  Although having a newborn was the hardest thing I've ever done, I miss Desmond being that tiny.  When I see little newborns, I notice how big Des is getting.  When I haven't seen tiny newborns, I think that Desmond's still this teeny tiny baby...until I see one and realize that my kid is huge now.

A few hours postpartum.  I think I have more chins now then I did then.

The first day of the pilot study, I called Billy right away and told him that I wanted to have another baby.  He didn't say anything for a sec and then said, "are you serious?"  And I rethought it and said, "(sigh), no, I guess not."

But 9 months later, I have little twitchings in my uterus, which I try to ignore.  If you would have asked me 9 months ago if I were open to having more children, I would have said HELL to the NO, but now...now, it's a possibility.